March 10

March was not a very good month for Thomas Edison. As we saw, on the 7th the patent for the telephone was given to Bell. That would be enough to ruin the month for most people. On the 10th in 1902, a United States Court of Appeals ruled that Edison did not invent the movie camera. Some months you just can’t catch a break.

March 9

In the 1980s, the dreaded Reagan Years, somebody in the Congress directed the United States Department of Agriculture to produce new guidelines for nutrition that would enable public schools to economize and still meet the guidelines necessary to receive federal funding for school lunch programs. On the 9th in 1981, in a move that can only be described as sheer brilliance, the USDA managed to juggle proper nutrition and economics by declaring that ketchup was a vegetable.

March 8

On the 8th in 1618 legendary big shot thinker Johannes Kepler published his third law of planetary motion: "The squares of the orbital periods of planets are directly proportional to the cubes of the semi-major axis of the orbits". I have absolutely no idea what that means nor do I have a clue about his other two laws on the subject. I think Kepler was very lucky to have his elves to fall back on, because at least his cookies are very good. Oh heck, that was the Keebler elves, not the Kepler elves. I guess Kepler was just another hack that I don’t understand, and without the cookies have absolutely no reason to understand.

March 7

Much to my surprise, the question ‘Who invented the telephone?’ remains unanswered almost 150 years after the telephone’s introduction. Not only is it an unanswered question, but there are actually quite a few candidates for its inventor, not merely one or two people, but five contenders. It’s sort of like the lively debate concerning who was the walrus in Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. There are advocates for Antonio Meucci, Johann Philip Reis, Alexander Graham Bell, Elisha Gray, and Thomas Edison. However, Bell was granted patent #174,465 for the telephone on the 7th in 1876.

March 6

Following his arrest, indictment and trial Charles Manson, a failed rock and roll performer, incurred enormous bills for representation of his interests in court. On the 6th in 1970, in an effort to raise the funds he needed to pay his attorneys, Manson released the album Lie. Among the tracks on the album are songs with rather ironic titles, such as Ego, People Say I’m No Good, Sick City, and the epic Don’t Do Anything Illegal.

March 5

Alferd Packer died on April 23, 1907 after having served roughly 40 years as punishment for cannibalism. His death however, in no way posed an obstacle to the esteemed Mr. Packer being pardoned on the 5th in 1981 in spite of his death 74 years prior. It is unfortunately an urban legend that the Department of Agriculture’s cafeteria in Washington, D.C, was for a time named the Alferd Packer Cafeteria. However, for a short period in 1968, students at the University of Colorado successfully renamed their cafeteria the ‘Alferd G. Packer Memorial Cafeteria’ whose slogan was ‘Have a friend for lunch’. I have been unable to discover any evidence, either in school or court records, or for that matter any newspapers, that would indicate that controlled substances were involved in the naming of University of Colorado’s cafeteria; though considering the year I think you would be on safe ground to assume that such was the case.

March 4

The 4th, in 1902 saw the founding, in Chicago, Illinois, of the AAA. I was quite surprised to discover that this is not a group for alcoholics who stutter but rather the American Automobile Association. There are currently underway, talks between AA and AAA to form a working partnership, because even alcoholics recognize that drinking and driving are probably not a particularly good mix.

March 3

Aside from being the last American member of the Whig party to serve in public office and the first Vice-President to rise to the Presidency upon the death of the incumbent, President John Tyler was also the first president to have his veto overridden by both houses of Congress. Tyler had vetoed a bill relating to revenue cutters and steamers on February 20th in 1845 and both the Senate and the House, in an uncharacteristic burst of energy, wasted no time in voting to override this veto on the 3rd of March in 1845

March 2

The 2nd in 1791, witnessed a quantum leap forward in long-distance communication when the semaphore machine was unveiled in Paris, marking the last time anything of use (other than camembert cheese that is) came out of France.